The Star Tribune has come out with its “12 Things to Look Forward to in 2012” list, critic Chris Riemenschneider’s recommendations for musical events to get excited about this year.

It’s not a bad list. His No. 1 choice is the Valentine’s Day CD release party at First Ave. for Poliça, the new band featuring ex-Roma di Luna-turned-Gayngs singer Channie Casselle (now Leaneagh) and fellow Gayngs member Ryan Olson, which sold out immediately on buzz alone (this is Poliça ‘s first record).
We’re also featuring Channie in the February issue of Mpls./St.Paul magazine, so it’s pretty clear to me that Riemenschneider somehow hacked my computer. But he didn’t tell you this: If you don’t want to wait until Feb. 14 to see Poliça, you can try to squeeze into 89.3 The Current’s 7th Birthday Party at First Ave. on Jan. 28, where Channie and company will be playing with The Suicide Commandos and Haley Bonar. (Sorry Chris, I kept that information in a separate folder.)

As for the rest of Chris’s list, it could easily be filed between “Cheap Beer” and “Concerts” under the sub-heading, “Where to find the largest crowd.” If you’re into hip-hop and music festivals, you’re set. If not, well, you’re not.

But it doesn’t really matter, because according to the Mayan calendar, 2012 is supposed to be the year of the Apocalypse. If this is true, wouldn’t our time be better spent looking for signs of impending doom?

I think so, which is why I bravely peered into the future and found several surefire signs that the end is indeed near.
Watch for these events, and be very afraid:

1) Bugs Bunny at the Symphony
—Kids these days don’t watch Bugs Bunny, so one can only assume that this innovative bit of programming is aimed at older people who are regressing into childhood, just before they lose control of their bowels and become infants again. What’s next, Osmo Conducts the Teletubbies? Feb. 3-4, Orchestra Hall

2) Michael Jackson: The Immortal World Tour

—Now that Michael is officially dead, making millions off of his artistic legacy can officially begin. Fittingly, the show is produced by Cirque de Soleil, which knows better than anyone how to sell a freak show. Mar. 27-28, Target Center

3) End of the Rainbow

—Judy Garland tributes have become a genre unto themselves, and this one—starring Olivier-award-winner Tracie Bennett—is supposed to among the best. But the pot of gold at the end of this rainbow isn’t the show, it’s the hope that Bennett is a good enough Judy to discourage anyone else from ever trying. Jan. 28-Mar. 11, The Guthrie Theater

4) The Addams Family

—One of the worst-reviewed Broadway shows in recent memory (the NY Times’ Ben Brantley called it “genuinely ghastly”) somehow got a road show. Let’s hope it fails in the biggest way possible, so that no one can ever again mount a stage version of Boomer-era TV show. May 8-20, The Ordway

5) Weird Al Yankovich’s Alpocalypse
—At least Weird Al has the self-awareness to recognize that his own show is as sure a sign as any that civilization is pretty much over. May 3, The State Theatre