Last night I caught what must be the first horse of the culinary apocalypse: Rocco on Dancing With The Stars. Why? Because train wrecks need audiences.

But I don't get it. I don't get why someone who is so talented with food and cooking keeps peddling his cheaper wares. How was his dancing? Sluggish and blobby, but who cares?! Why does he feel the need to dance?! Hasn't he learned the Tyler Florence/Applebee's lesson? 

Does he have evil handlers who just pimp him out? After his gig on Top Chef, he seemed like he wanted to get back in with the food crowd, get back to being considered serious, Bertolli frozen food aside. When Tony called him out in the blogs for wasting his talent, I thought he'd heard what the food universe was screaming, thought he'd buckle down and begin honing his knives. I pictured a major comeback, appropriately laced with a humility that let him keep him newly slim figure but found his soul refocused on the spirituality of food. But no.

Now he's swinging some fringey chick around, making cheesy, cliched food quips, and going under the cutesy name of Team DiSpirnoff.

But maybe he's brilliant. Britney came off of her train wreck with a bunch of awards, and Rocco's got a new book/show in the works. Feed the elite, live with the masses; feed the masses, live with the elite.

It's time to hit the road, time to stretch my definition of "local." This Fresh Forkin' Friday has me itchin' to load up, pick a point outward, and take off. I filled up for $3.42 yesterday, and those bargain-basement numbers aren't sure to last, so let's burn 'em!

Besides beautiful fall foliage and random flea markets or garage sales, obviously I love finding a good neighborhood dive or roadside tavern in which to snack. On our way back from New Ulm, on a random hunt for a real Bavarian pretzel, we stopped at Mackenthun's Sausage and Deli in St. Boni. The house-cured jerky was salty, smoky, and righteously chewy. It remains, in my mind, the perfect car snack.

****

If everything went according to plan, the Blue Door Pub opened last night. I have to give huge props to the owners for the nod to Puerta Azul, which formerly occupied the space. That's so Minnesotan, right? Well it's a theme with these guys as they promise to kick up the nostalgia factor with hot dish and visions of Juicy Lucys served along local and regional and craft beer. Cripes, yah!

****

Nordeast just got a sassy new Thai joint with the opening of Sen Yai Sen Lek on Central. Focusing on authentic dishes, it offers the street noodle and rice dishes favored in Bangkok along with the Isaan sticky rice dishes of Northeastern Thailand. Owners Holly and Joe Hatch-Surisook are neighborhood locals and are committed to the local and sustainable movement.

****

Local D'Lish has opened in the North Loop neighborhood through the valiant efforts of owner Ann Yin. The gourmet market sells everything for cooking and entertaining, and it's all sourced from local/Midwest vendors. Some of the products you'll find are Edna's Caramels, Sweet Cheeks Baby Food, Salad Girl Dressings, SunBarn Farms produce, and Golden Fig spices. Look for her shelves to fill as she finds more and more great stuff being made by your fellow 'sotans.

****

Are you a mango-pancake-ist? One of the initiated who knows how to properly breakfast at Victor's 1959? You may want to tune into Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives next Monday as Guy Fieri takes a moment to explore the menu's spicy flank steak. It just might wake you up to Victor's great dinner food.

****

There's still room at the Cooking Immersion Weekend at the Arboretum. This is the perfect weekend for a food retreat, especially one guided by Lucia Watson, Anna Christoforides of Gardens of Salonica, and the producers from Moonstone and Riverbend farms. Tonight there's a tasting with the cheese geniuses from Shepherd's Way Farm, tomorrow a comparative heirloom tomato tasting, and Sunday brings brunch featuring the smoked trout quiche that won the MCFM pie contest.

****

September 30th is your chance to join eaters in twenty-seven other states as they partake in the Eat Local Challenge. The goal is to eat 100 percent of your food made from ingredients sourced within 150 miles of your plate. There's no doubt that we have a pretty superior 150 miles to cull from, and if you have any doubt as to the amazing role food has played in our state, why not eat at The Minnesota History Center on Tuesday. That way you can enjoy red chile turkey breast and butternut squash from local land and then learn a bit about what makes that land lovable.

****

I love this pairing: Room and Board and The Splendid Table. Next Thursday, you can hang out in the stylish R&B location on France Avenue while Lynn Rosetta Kasper and Sally Swift chat about their super-cool How to Eat Supper book, tell stories from the show, give samples of favorite recipes, and just hang out. I totally feel like I could be best buddies with these gals and picture myself hanging out in the kitchen with them over coffee all the time. Is that odd?

Have you heard that Tom Colicchio is coming to town? And that you can meet him? I know I'm shilling for our own simply fabulous food and wine event next weekend, but come on, aren't you on board?

Colicchio is known for being the straight-talking judge on Bravo's Top Chef, and I'll admit that despite my annoyance with most TV chef personalities, I think he's neato. But it has more to do with a bowl of celery root soup that I had on my first visit to Gramercy Tavern, where he used to cook. I didn't know soup could be so sexy.

So he's going to be at the gala benefit, and I'm going to be at the gala benefit, and I'm going to have to say something to him . . . but what? I'm usually pretty quick on my feet and my mouth runneth over with pithy comments, but I'm worried I'll come out with:

So, sustainability, huh. What's that all about?

Remember that celery root soup? Yeah, you rocked it.

Bruni's kind of an ass. Right?

I ate in your place in Vegas, were you there that night?

So I'm thinking I have to focus myself with questions I really want to know:

Does Padma really eat?

Don't you think that there are some places in Mpls./St. Paul that are on par with NY joints?

When you're at home, in front of your own fridge, what's your 2 a.m. throw-together?

Does anybody ever invite you over for dinner, or are all your friends paralyzed with culinary fear?

It's not like I'm going to have cue cards tucked into my bra, but seriously, I'm thinking of writing on my arm. So can you help a sister out? Do you have any white-hot burning questions for the man?

This last weekend, I made the season's first foray into the madness that has become apple picking. Minnesota orchards have found a way to eke out a living by providing a State Fair-like experience that often includes jumping goats, hayrides, and corn mazes. It's a gift . . . and a curse. Some places go way over the top and cease to feel like farms/orchards, giving way to more of a frenzied, festival feeling. But people love it, and if it gets them out to a real food source while delivering cash directly into the hands of growers, I'm all for it. If you can learn a little bit about growing food while stuffing your face with cinnamon apple mini doughnuts on a wagon ride, giddyup.

Here are my top picks for the season:

Fall Harvest—Delano

This is my personal favorite, the one I've been going to for years. This is a real working orchard/farm with cows, goats, chickens, and piglets that tend to wander around everywhere. The wagon ride is one of the most educational I've been on, learning about why the farm grows flax and amaranth with its corn. It's also offering the new U of M apple, SweeTango.

Sponsel's Minnesota Harvest—Jordan

This place is passionate about apples, it's not just a side gig. For more than thirty years, Sponsel's has been breeding unique apple varieties, many of which are only available on its farm, such as Nectarapple, Golden Haralson, and Sugar Shack. Plus, is has guided horseback riding through bluff-top trails.

Carpenter St. Croix Valley Nature Center—Hastings

One of the only places that uses IPM (Integrated Pest Management) to halt the use of chemicals. It is very focused on education, and a low-key natural experience can be found hiking its 425 acres along the river.

Emma Krumbees—Belle Plaine

It's the Las Vegas of apple orchards. Petting zoo, mountain slide, all-terrain farm trikes, and more than 100 scarecrows on display make this place a rockin' time. The crowds are huge, the apple pie is sensational, and there's an on-site hotel in case you get apple overload and need to crash.

Minnetonka Orchards—Minnetrista

On a huge spread, it puts on a good show. It charges admission on weekends, so if you're just looking for apples, it's not worth it. But if you want to partake in the corn maze, giant hay mountain, bug investigation station, or the upcoming yo-yo-making class while enjoying some of the best cider relish to sit a-top a brat, then you're good.

Pine Tree Apple Orchard—White Bear Lake

It may be wrong that I go there just for the flaky, tangy apple rollover pastry, but wrong was never so right. It's the spiced cider icing that kills me. This place also sponsors a lot of cool live music and an October Apple Run through the farm.

Natura Farms—Marine on St. Croix

Certified by the Food Alliance Midwest, Natura Farms is a lovely, grand example of sustainable and natural farming. Not only can you pick apples, but you can pick grapes, eggplant, leeks, herbs, and, soon, winter squash. This one is for serious foodiephiles; no corn mazes. Call for hours and availability before you go.

If you have a fave not mentioned above, feel free to give them props.

I'm a little fuzzy this Fresh Forkin' Friday morning, working through the haze from last night's W Hotel grand opening bash. It was glammy and fun, and I had good hair and too many cocktails. My favorite was the Epiphany, which is made with St. Germaine, an elderflower liqueur that the W carries exclusively in the state. The passed food was boring cocktail fare, except for the Bludgeon of Beef, which was being passed by the Manny's boys. Hack off a chunk of steak in your silk dress? Hell yes! Rumors circled that LL Cool J and Molly Sims were in the building, but my brush with celebrity was limited to literally brushing up against Rick Kupchella, who is way taller than you think. I gotta go to Culvers . . .

****

Good news for the pastaphiles of Uptown, Rinata opened this week in the old Giorgio's spot on Hennepin. Giving the space a quick makeover, the owners are the gang from Al Vento, which has big Southern Italian cred but a humble spirit. Rinata offers all kinds of Italian dishes, including pizza, pastas, small plates, and salads created by chef Edward Hayes, formerly of Craftsman and I Nonni.

****

The Max is back! Maxwell's, the Washington Avenue bar that closed after a huge fire in February, is open again. Dome-bound fans must be thrilled. I'm just excited to get down there and tuck into one of the best slow-roasted garlic beef sandwiches in the metro.

****

And if you haven't heard it from every other blog or every other pizza-obsessed eater, Punch has opened on Grand Avenue in St. Paul. I'm a Toto girl with extra goat cheese, if you please. I hear they've tiled a whole wall like they do their ovens, which sounds cool to me. 

****

The France 44 cheese shop is calling to you. Why are you ignoring it? This weekend, you really can't. Benjamin Roberts wants you to come in today or tomorrow and sample some of their freshly made artisanal pates and terrines. They've got a duck and fig terrine made with Wild Acres duck and a Fischer Farms country pork terrine among others. They've also got some confit duck legs, which might go nicely with some harvest veg. 

****

The Chowgirls has moved from the tiny Dinkytown location to a bigger space in the Northeast Arts District. Sadly, it is losing its sweet lunch service, but the expanded kitchen will let it focus more on sassy catering. Stop by to sample some of the comfortable, flavorful food during the Thursday grand opening from 4:30 p.m. to 8:30 p.m.

****

If ever there was a Saturday to make it to the MCFM, this beer-fueled, Oktoberfest-themed one is it. J. D. Fratzke will be exploring his Teutonic heritage during the cooking demo, there will be a beer garden in the ruins courtyard, and, most exciting (for me), Solveig Tofte will be in the museum's baking lab showing us how to make real German pretzels at home! Jawohl!

****

Because I really want a burger right now, I might have to start the celebration a little early. But next weekend, the 5-8 Club is kicking off its 80th Birthday Celebration for 80 Days! Yes, eighty days of Juicy Lucy love that lasts until December 15th. The kickoff will rock an Elvis dinner show, free music, games, and the burying of a time capsule. How long can a Juicy Lucy keep?

****

We're happy to announce that chef Phillip Dorwart will be joining the Foodie File crew! Look for his fresh insight starting October 1.

There was much excitement over the resurfacing of Chef Eric "Big E" Austin when the Bourbon Street Steak House was unveiled. In the past, the former owner of Big E's Soul Food had enjoyed a nice foodie following until legal issues got in the way. There were arrests, and Soul Food was closed.

Could bad luck strike twice? It seems that Big E has left the stockyards building, not of his own accord. On the Bourbon Street website, there's a letter from Big E announcing his split from the owner, Richard Defoe. He states that he is being replaced by people he can't endorse, people who don't have the caliber to take on his menu. On his own blog, Big E rails against the owner for stealing his work and cutting him out of the profits now that Austin had built a successful restaurant on his own back.

What happened? Was it due to the chef's temperament, pointed to by prior trouble with the law and another failed restaurant? Or was it the shiftiness of the owner, who kicked out the former tenants (TreVina) just as they were starting to get attention? The former owners of that Italian restaurant are servers at Salut in St. Paul and will happily supply invective and diatribe about their old landlord.

The biggest question, what will happen to the Bourbon Street Steak House? Will you go now knowing that Big E isn't behind the stove?

Anyone who had driven by the sad and rapidly dilapidating former home of Minneapolis’s legendary restaurant and bar, the place that brought modern cooking and hospitality to Minnesota in the late 1970s, has to feel a pang of sadness. But the thought of some sort of local resurrection seems all wrong. I mean, the New French Café was of an era, and that era is past.

Except it’s present in New York City. A restaurant has opened in Manhattan called the New French, and it’s getting decent reviews, including a short writeup in the September 8 The New Yorker. The name is causing a stir because the food is more New American than French, and New Yorkers are understandably concerned. New York magazine had this to say about the restaurant’s DNA:

“So what’s with the name? Partner Philip Hoffman, who ran the Soho restaurant Nick and Eddie in the eighties and nineties, says that he borrowed it from the Minneapolis boho-hippie-artist restaurant the New French Café, which closed seven years ago. When a former Hoffman colleague opened a Minneapolis restaurant last year and named it Nick and Eddie, Hoffman got the idea to pull what he describes as “a sort of karmic switcheroo” and call his place the New French.”

So Nick and Eddie’s Doug Anderson, who never had any connection to Lynne Alpert’s New French Café, opened Nick and Eddie, which thus begat the new New French in the West Village. Simple, see.

I am obsessed with pumpkin-flavored things. And yes, I know the Pumpkin Latte at Starbucks has a kajillion calories, but I just don't care because pretty soon it's bulky sweater weather.

This Saturday is Bryant-Lake Bowl's annual Rock for Democracy Block Party, rain or shine. It's a zero-waste event with lots of edgy music and cool stunts by the Rollergirls and Human Bowling. I just hope they have those cornmeal crusted walleye strips with the green goddess dressing.

****

There are also two "Tastes" this weekend. The 10th Annual Taste of the Lakes takes place in Excelsior tonight. Held at the Bayview Event Center, the twenty-one-plus event will feature food from Lake Minnetonka-area restaurants, including Biella, Hazellwood, and Fletcher's. Tomorrow the first annual Taste of Lake Street will be held near the Midtown Global Market. You'll be able to cruise through the market and check out all the stalls. Then head out to the parking lot to sample foods from restaurants such as Town Talk Diner, Namaste Cafe, Gandhi Mahal, Signature Cafe, and El Nuevo Rodeo, just to name a few.

****

It might also be time to get out to a corn maze and wander around.

****

Because Minneapolis was ranked as The Most Literate City last year (St. Paul was number three, making a Seattle sandwich), the people of Newtree Chocolates want to give us a year's worth of chocolate. And a new iPhone! All you have to do is enter the GR8 AMER. TXT STRY CONTST (Great American Text Story Contest for those who don't text) and compose a 1,500 word shard of brilliance on your phone. Belgian chocolate and cool factor ten are within your grasp.

****

Rex Reitmeyer, who has been the chef at Figlio for the past twenty years, has left the corner. Rex, who successfully kicked cancer's ass a few years ago, is the new Food and Beverage Director at the W. A new chef is being sought for the old Uptown girl. 

This one's for sushi lovers out there. How do you feel about restaurants that are decidedly not Japanese yet add sushi to their repertoire?

I'm not talking about r. Normans/Seven Sushi because Seven is a separate entity. It's not about operators opening a different concept; that happens all the time. I'm talking about places such as Crave in Edina, places that have a Mediterranean-, American-, or European-influenced menu and also have a sushi bar.

The first time I was at Crave, just after my friend ordered BBQ ribs and I ordered a creamy Gorgonzola pasta entrée, the server asked if we would like to start out with some sushi. That just grossed me out. It seemed such a disconnect to be excited for comfy, thick, and creamy and to contemplate something raw and acidic. The thought of it all dueling out in my belly made me nauseated.

Am I weird? When I go out for sushi, I go out to a sushi restaurant. It's a destination meal, one that requires sake, sometimes edamame, maybe a Sapporo, always gomae. It means that night, I'm using chopsticks, not a fork. I just can't figure it as an appetizer before a meal with cream or tomatoes or bacon. And it seems odd to be chomping on my raw fish when plates of pasta, pizza, or burgers go whipping by. I'm not saying their sushi isn't any good; to be fair, I wouldn't know.

But there must be some success, because tonight Fhima's Zahtar opens in the old Martini Blu space with sushi chef Chano Bustamante on the ticket.

What's with the perfect eating weather that has fallen upon us? This chilly air makes me want to kick the oven on and bake something. I'm not up to braising yet, don't be silly, but as soon as those colors start busting, I'm all about short ribs. This Fresh Forkin' Friday is dedicated to the first weekend of fall festivals, which are way more civilized than summer fests. I think it's the bikini top vs. fleece factor.

****

As far as openings, nothing much really happened this last week, what with all the GOP ballyhoo. But next week, the latest David Fhima venture will open in the Minneapolis Life Time. It will be the second location of Zahtar, the Med-American restaurant they debuted at the Eden Prairie Life Time a year or so ago. Not being a member of Life Time, I never got there, but the website sure is pretty.

****

A friend of mine went to Bedlam Theater's production of The Cooking Show Con Mero Cocinero Karimi and said it was a scream! Cooking up food and stories on stage, the culinary comrades encourage you to come early for a happy hour. Essential: BYOB (bing your own bowl). This is the last weekend, so get on board.

****

Finally, the festing this weekend is fun and far-reaching: Hinckley's Smokin Rib Fest is this Saturday. On one side of Lake Minnetonka, Excelsior is throwing its fall opener, Apple Day. On the other side, Wayzata will be celebrating James J. Hill Days. Both should have cheese curds, brats, and funnel cakes to jack your post-fair jones. It's the Apple Orchard Opener at Minnetonka Orchards; apparently the Zestar is ready to be picked, the corn maze is ready to be trampled, and the cider brats are on the grill. Get up to Ely for its 15th Annual Harvest Moon Festival, and learn how to cook serious vittles over a campfire. Vintage tractor rides, soap box derby, and free watermelon after the parade at the Kellogg Watermelon Fest. Yes, Lucy, it's the 2008 Grape Stomp at the St. Croix Vineyards this weekend.

****

And if you feel like chattin', I'll be on with Stephanie Hansen on FM107.1 from 1-3 p.m. today!

I put my five-year-old on a bus for the first time today. He's so ready for kindergarten, it's sick. The boy has no problem melting into a crowd of strange kids and coming out as leader of the pack in a game of imaginary space pirates. When I asked him last night, one more time, if he was excited, his reply was "Yes already, can we stop talking about it?"

And I'm the cheerleader, the mom who is all about pushing the experience, punching any fear in the face, and taking on the day! Yeah!

So it shocked me that as I walked him on the bus, introduced him the friendly bus driver, sat him in his seat, and gave him a high-five, I was about. To. Lose. It. Big, deep breaths, held it together as I waved the bus down the street, then just sobbed. Sobbed. I am not a crier, and I sobbed.

To assuage my sudden sadness, I baked. I ran into the house and baked some chocolate chip pumpkin bread. I baked because it makes me feel good, and it makes others feel good, and the smell of my house makes me think I am a good mommy. So we might all gain a few pounds this month.

CHOCOLATE CHIP PUMPKIN BREAD

• 3/4 c. sugar
• 3/4 c. brown sugar
• 1/2 can (8 oz.) pumpkin puree
• 1/2 c. vegetable oil
• 1/3 c. water
• 2 eggs
• 1 c. all-purpose flour
• 3/4 c. whole-wheat flour
• 2 tsp. cinnamon
• 2 tsp. nutmeg
• 1 tsp. ground cloves
• 1 tsp. ground cardamom
• 1 tsp. baking soda
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• Dark chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350. Grease a loaf pan, or use muffin cups if you'd like. In a large mixing bowl, combine sugars, pumpkin, oil, water, and eggs. In a separate bowl, whisk together flour, spices, baking soda, and salt. Slowly add the dry mix to the pumpkin batter, mixing well. Stir in the chocolate chips. Pour batter into prepared pan, loaf pans will take approximately 45 minutes, muffin pans approximately 30 minutes. Check for doneness when a skewer comes out clean. Cool for 15 minutes in pan, then tip onto rack. Give to smiling child when he disembarks bus after first day of school.

Here's the lowdown from a couple of chefs in the Denver area concerning the impact of their convention:

• Restaurants had a lot of reservations for last-minute large parties, of which the majority ended up as no-shows or cancellations.
• There were massive rushes before and after the official festivities, but that left the normal dinner hour dead as a doornail.
• Surprisingly, not a lot of booze was sold.
• The fuss and muss of traffic and blocked streets deterred the locals from coming in, and most restaurants felt it.
• Only a handful of places had big celebrity bashes, but everyone assumed that all restaurants were locked up.
• All in all, they seemed to feel that they were hyped up and ready to get slammed, and it just didn't deliver.

Locally, I can say that I've heard the downtowners have been busy, but the outer rings have been dead. Grand Avenue was really slow, and so was Uptown. But I feel like I should get out there and support the little locals, the ones who are on the fray and feeling the sucking vortex. Are you going out or staying in this week?