You know it's bad when Target starts whacking staff. But there are still a few glamour jobs out there, I mean, besides the late shift at Jiffy Lube.

Check out this, for example: (Note: Actual Star Tribune job posting.)

Hours: 9 to 6, Monday to Friday; some weekends

Pay structure: A scale

Job description: We are seeking to add two distinct voices to our metro pages to provoke, entertain, engage and inform our readers. The emphasis in these jobs will be on deeply reported columns, story-telling off the news, pieces that can best be told with a columnist's leeway. Columnists will write about 10 columns a month - two a week plus spot columns -- and contribute occasional stories to various sections of the paper.
 
The successful applicant(s) will have demonstrated, through the body of  his or her work, that they can evoke reaction from readers, whether writing humor, hard-hitting commentary or personal profiles. The columnists should be strong reporters who can bring new insights and original reporting to the section, who can cultivate sources and occasionally break exclusive news. The columnists should be out in front of the issues of interest to our readers and be able to build a following among readers who both agree and disagree. The columnists should have the ability to work collaboratively with other members of the Metro staff.

Qualifications: The columnist(s) must possess a distinct voice, superb writing and reporting skills and knowledge of Twin Cities events, people, culture and politics. Must have the ability to write insightful commentary on a variety of subjects, often on deadline. Experience in daily newspaper column writing is preferred. A minimum of five years of experience as a journalist is required.

Action: Please contact Nancy Barnes or Rene Sanchez

Now, like all publishing industry job descriptions—where the ideal candidate is a cross between John Updike, Maxwell Perkins, Bob Woodward, and Dana Priestl has the salary demands of a Dairy Queen trainee; and contains the docile, compliant disposition of a a Guatemalan nanny—there are a few weasel words in here that you need to understand before e-mailing your resume.

For example:

". . . two distinct voices . . . to provoke, entertain, engage and inform our readers."

A bit like Noah before the flood, what we need here are two clearly distinct "types." Male/female. Black/white (or Asian). Able-bodied/developmentally disabled. Sober Lutheran/meth addict. And as for that "provoke" business, don't get carried away. We're tired of getting mail calling our columnists Commie peckerwoods and fascist trolls. Try "provoking" admiration for the beauty of the Lake Harriet Rose Garden instead. Also, don't get carried away with that "entertain" thing and kid yourself that anyone cares about your idea of a joke. "Entertain" us with crisp sentences that regularly quote at-risk ethnic and demographic minorities. That will insure you've covered the "inform" part, too.


". . . deeply reported columns." You and what you think is irrelevant. You've only got 600 words. 590 should be quotes from earnest members of the community. Don't waste precious words boring us with what you know or think. Get over yourself. You are as boring as we are. Move on.

". . . pieces that can best be told with a columnist's leeway." By "leeway," we mean you have 100 more words to tell your story than the guy sitting next to you who doesn't have his picture next to his stuff. If you must exercise artistic "leeway," confine yourself to terse descriptions of your subjects. For example, "Donaldson emerged from the burning house looking like a scorched marshmallow." On second thought, just tell us Donaldson emerged from the house, our young, at-risk readers will be traumatized by the marshmallow stuff.

". . . will have demonstrated, through the body of his or her work, that they can evoke reaction from readers, whether writing humor, hard-hitting commentary . . . ." Again, since humor is so subjective, we'd prefer you assume our readers don't have any and don't particularly care if you do. If they need a laugh, they can read Pawlenty's budget. And on that "hard-hitting" thing, just remember we don't s**t where we eat, so we expect you to avoid upsetting anyone who might A. Buy advertising, B. Currently hold a high public office, C. Be considering holding a high public office, and D. Encounter anyone in newspaper management in a public place.

". . . and be able to build a following among readers who both agree and disagree." Don't make us get specific here, OK? We're bankrupt. We can't afford anyone disagreeing with us. About ANYTHING. There are plenty of topics everyone can agree on. Like cute puppies. Eight of the ten columns you write in a month could involve quoting the earnest owners of cute dogs.

". . . columnists should have the ability to work collaboratively with other members of the Metro staff." In the past, we have had some unfortunate experiences with columnists who, shall we say, behaved as though they were more important to this organization than Chuck the delivery guy in Richfield. This is emphatically not true and will no longer be tolerated. We expect our "hard-hitting" columnists to be as meek and cheerful as aged nuns around the office. If the janitor asks you to stand up so he can empty your trash, jump up, apologize profusely for delaying his work, empty it yourself, and send him a note of apology the the next morning. Obviously, if any editor anywhere suggests a change to your copy—even if they haven't read it or ever written a newspaper story in their life—do it immediately and without question. Just because we've made a nation-wide search for the highest quality writing talent doesn't mean we trust you with anything.

". . . and knowledge of Twin Cities events, people, culture and politics." Actually, we have databases that can tell you everything you need to know about every person, place, and thing in the Twin Cities. By using it extensively, you can spend more time in the office. That way, we'll know you're working eight hours a day (or at least sleeping at your desk) and not running up extravagant expense tabs at Caribou. Oh, and the "politics" thing. Nix-lay. Unless you're prepared to say that both sides are equally craven, fraudulent, and criminal on each and every topic imaginable, we'd just as soon avoid "partisanship." As we say, think . . . "cute puppies romping in a Rose Garden."


I notice the listing makes no specific mention of compensation. But since the bankruptcy, I think we can safely assume the "D scale" is the new "A scale," expect to moonlight at Jiffy Lube just the same.