I returned from a richly deserved holiday to discover a small mountain of mail, much of it extraordinarily curious about what was going on with the Star Tribune this election season. Having been out of the country for a couple weeks, I forwarded it on to the paper's out-sourced Readers' Rep, Randy, the seasonally employed bear-hunting guide, snowmobile repairman, and septic system cleaner who offices out of the Dry Dock Tavern in rural Chaffee, Wisconsin. (The Stribhired him, freelance—no benefits or 401k—believing he was a solid Sixth District resident and was stuck with him when it learned the northern Anoka county address he gave was just a duck blind.)

Many of the questions had to do with the Newspaper of the Twin Cities' editorial page and various in-house memos relating to election coverage. Though slathered with Bear Magnet (tm) and annoyed with the bar service on a Tuesday afternoon, Randy offered his customary rapid, call-'em-as-he-sees-'em response, in the great tradition of past Star Tribune Readers' Reps, may they rest in peace.

QUESTION:  Hey Randy, help me out with this endorsement of Norm Coleman in Sunday's paper. As I read it, it seems to be saying that Norm finally got around to "independent judgment" sometime in the last year, that they like he has made noises about "bipartisanship" during the campaign, and that they hope he'll stay that way if he gets re-elected. In other words, a few months and a hope. Did I miss what Norm was doing the other five years he was in D.C.? I mean before the election cycle began and he got all green and running around getting money to fix the collapsed bridge and all that good stuff? Maybe the Strib never covered those other years too much. But I seem to remember Norm being pretty gung-ho on charging half-assed into Iraq, not getting all that upset about Bush trying to hand our Social Security money over to Lehman Brothers and Bear Stearns, and, unless I'm wrong, did Norm ever use his committee to find out what Halliburton and all those sweetheart, no-bid contractors actually did with the billions they say they can't find? I mean, I know Al Franken's a pornographer who rapes women, but what gives?

RANDY:  It's like this, and try to keep up, OK? Did you see what was right above that Norm Coleman thing? Did you? The one about Barack Hussein Obama for President? Good lord, do you know how thin the ice is under that with my buddies Walt and Steve and Buster and the rest of the Forest Lake Poker Run Snowmobile Club? That Obama guy is . . . black! And I got news for you, pally, black is a looonnng way from real America, if you know what I mean. And don't give me all that happy horses**t about him being so much cooler and smarter than Gramps McCain. McCain's a goddam hero. He crashed what, eight planes? That's courage Obama can't even dream of. But the Strib has to play a tricky game. On the one hand, it has got all these Garrison Keillor, bookworm types who couldn't find a Cabela's if they were air-dropped on to one. You give that crowd a little Obama, and then, just to reassure people who are actually honest and work for a living, like I do a couple months out of the year, you give us another dose of Norm. It's just that basic. I heard someone say Norm always sheds his skin in an election year and that endorsing him for doing it only encourages him. But I say, wise up, dude, this a business this newspaper game. There's a lot of mouths to feed. So what you do is tear off a little for each one and toss it in their yap.

QUESTION:  Randy my man, one day our girl Katherine Kersten goes off on Franken for hating Christians, and the next day, her boss, this Barnes babe, circulates a memo telling her and that Commie rectum-licker Nick Coleman not to do anymore political stuff until, you know, after the political stuff is over. Now, I'm 110 percent in agreement that Franken, a Jew from St. Louis Park you know, has nothing but contempt for the Christians that built this country and wrote the Constitution and ran the plantations and that he'd kill Jesus Christ again if he had the chance, but aren't columnists like Kersten and Coleman supposed to be shooting their mouths off about the election? Isn't that what everyone's most interested in right now? I mean other than the new line of leather camo-snowmobile suits they've got in at Gander Mountain? We all know Coleman should be stuffed with Karl Marx novels and dropped off the Lake Street bridge, but Kersten?

RANDY:  I don't want to repeat myself here, but these are tough times, man. Did you see the circulation numbers for these papers? Good lord, a year from now, the only people reading them will be the guys at the printing plant. While I wouldn't be surprised to hear that some big time Jew guys complained about Kersten saying what needed to be said, the fact is all this opinion stuff and getting all worked up about politicians just kind of pisses people off. Who needs it? Me, I like to read about football and hunting. The only time I get pissed with that stuff is if Reusse doesn't rip that Mr. Whipple twit coaching the Vikings. Politics? People get too worked up. They act like it matters. A modern newspaper is all about being liked, which means avoiding a lot of stuff that matters. There's nothing wrong with writing about stuff that doesn't matter or no one cares too much about. Who makes enemies with crap like that? Hell, run more cartoons. Besides if they let Kersten go off on, you know, a Jew from St. Louis Park for Senate and a Muslim from Africa for President, they'd probably feel like they had to let that dick Coleman rip Norm, who used to be a Jew.

QUESTION:  Randy, I know you're the Strib's guy, and you do a hell of a job. But what's with the Pioneer Press not endorsing anyone for President? In fact, how come I can't even find the non-endorsement on Google? Oh wait, it was buried under the Clean Water/Arts Amendment, or whatever they're calling it. I guess I liked the fact that the PiPress just came right out and said they'd only be making half their readership angry if they made a choice between Obama and McCain, but, uh, isn't that what we are all supposed to do on November 4? You know, the choosing thing? Isn't saying . . . .

"Over these years, this newspaper's opinion pages have been run by leaders ["leaders"? Whoa, dudes!] with a variety of political opinions. All shared the journalist's commitment to fairness and balance and to trying to separate daily news reporting from advocacy and opinion. We have not always succeeded but we have endeavored to be fair, and still do. We submit that this separates us from the gabbers and idea-hawkers selling their ideological products."

  . . . kind of like confusing "fairness and balance" (I've heard that somewhere before) with craven gutlessness? Am I suppose to be impressed with their fear of antagonizing a reader? And is it OK if I'm left thinking the PiPress maybe hasn't paid enough attention to the presidential race to even know who to vote for?

RANDY:  Look man, I'm not getting enough coin out of one paper to catch flak for another one. But the PiPress is a little local paper. It's doing the local neighborhood thing. You know, making hard working real Americans in small towns like Grant Township and Woodbury and Lino Lakes feel good about themselves. It writes lots of stories about their kids' volleyball games and ATV issues. That's here. This presidential thing ain't local. Like they say in their story, what the f**k does the Pioneer Press know about presidential? They're sticking to what they know. So OK, ain't much. But maybe this country'd be a lot better off if people who don't know what they're talking about, like PiPress, would just stay away from voting. Stay home, you know what I'm saying? I mean, that'd be fair and balanced. As in: If you don't know nothing, you don't say nothing.

OK, I gotta run. I got Bear Magnet (tm) leaking into my socks.