Ladies, gentlemen, and trolls:

The three finalists in our (maybe first annual) "Can You Out-Kersten Kersten Contest." Vote at the bottom.

KERSTEN FINALIST #1—KATY AND THE BOMB

By Katherine Kersten

The dropping of the atomic bomb and its simultaneous incineration of 80,000 Hiroshimans was a beautiful act of courage. Those brave boys of ours were in for some real heat if we didn’t apply the heat. And did we ever! Go boys!

His Holiness Pope Benedict has informed us that the holy mass will now be spoken in Aramaic, with backs turned to the congregation, and with all of those “politically correct” changes ushered in during the enlightenment shown the door. Anyone who once supported the Vatican II nonsense will be hanged. Everyone who ever attended St. Stephens and St. Lenin of Arc are to paraded in front of the lions at the Apple Valley Zoo. Thank goodness!

The other day I saw a lady from Edina recycling her garbage, separating the plastic and the glass and the newspapers with a smug look on her face. I almost split my girdle laughing at her. She thought she was so superior to me. She had no idea that I am a Fellow of the Center for the American Experiment!

I have never been an affirmative action columnist! I established my bona fides in the trenches at the Center for the American Experiment. I blew (kisses at) Ron Carey at the Kennedy Versus the Machine extravaganza kickoff at the Thunderbird Ballroom.  I delivered the goods for Scott Johnson, the Tom Paine of our time. No one at the Star Tribune will talk to me but that is OK!

I work at home with my 400 pound corgi Margaret Thatcher. This is my holy choice.

My teen sons and I and my husband recently attended the third anniversary viewing of Passion of the Christ, and I was struck by how much time has mellowed the fussy fuss surrounding this beautiful epic about the dirty Jews who killed our Christ. It seems so clear to us now that the Hollywood lefties who did not give Mel Gibson the Oscar had no real answer for why we should not kill them all.

What will a gay think of next? Now they want to outlaw hate crimes!

As Peoloniuous the XVII said in his memorable epistle to the Somorinonans: A law to regulate pool drains is a law that chokes us all!!

Have you tried the fanTAStic build your own burger bar at Fuddruckers? Now it is closed. You can thank those tax and spend liberals…..

I don’t see the problem in killing everyone I disagree with.

KERSTEN FINALIST #2—KATY AND WOMEN ON THEIR BACKS

By Katherine Kersten

By the middle of this century, people like you and me will be in the minority in this country. Don’t believe it? You’d better, because a recent report says that by the 2040s people not like us will be running things as we know them, turning the beloved homeland of our forefathers into a diversity-infested nightmare.

How did this come about? Blame the 60s, pro-choice feminists, liberal clergy, women’s lib, gays, rap music, mini-skirts, civil rights fanatics and Democrats.

But before we throw in the towel, hope exists on this bleak horizon in the form of an exciting new organization. Yes, that’s right! And that’s Concerned Women Who F**k for America. Founded by a group of housewives and mothers, CWWFFA seeks to lead a national crusade of like-minded, patriotic American women of child-bearing age to increase their sexual intercourse to at least three times a week, all within the sanctity of holy Christian matrimony, of course.

The National Executive Board of CWWFFA is a Who’s Who of powerful, patriotic Christian women: Phyllis Schlafly, Beverly LaHaye, Laura Schlessinger, Lynne Cheney, Ann Coulter and several others. All20these influential women are aware of the hideous threat facing people like you and me, and they are intent on stemming this frightening tide.

“We have to begin now to rapidly increase the population of People Like Us (PLUs),” says Mrs. Patience Anne Fortitude of Eden Prairie, president of the Minnesota Chapter of CWWFFA. “Unless women begin to have more children immediately, PLUs will be doomed to minority status in the coming decades, a prospect that we feel is worse than death or living in a world run by Democrats.”

As repugnant and distasteful as many virtuous women find sex of any kind, CWWFFA leaders understand the sacrifice needed to insure that PLUs maintain their majority status in America. They also understand the need to reach out to women everywhere in this great land to encourage them to produce more offspring. The days of putting off motherhood for careers and selfish interests are over. You’d better believe it!

“Yes, it’s true that many women will be turned off by the notion of sex more than two or three times a year,” says Mrs. Fortitude. “But, on the other hand, our mission is to make it clear to these women that it is their Christian, patriotic duty to engage in sexual intercourse, whether they like their husbands or not, for the good of our country and the survival of PLUs. In fact, when it comes to sexual relations, I often find myself telling women to remember La dy Hillingdon’s journal entry of 1912:  ‘When I hear his steps outside my door I lie down on my bed, open my legs and think of England.’ In our case, it’s America, of course, but the sentiment is powerfully the same.”

Many suburban churches and other patriotic organizations are involved in promoting this important cause. At Hour of Guilt Church in Eagan, women are asked to stand up during the service and report to the congregation how many times they had sexual intercourse the previous week. There’s also a web site —www.onourbacksforamerica.org — where women can report their sexual activity and pregnancies.

“This is a crucial time in our country’s history for PLUs,” says Mrs. Fortitude. “It’s time for women to get out of the office and onto their backs, because America is depending on all of us. It’s up to us.”

KERSTEN FINALIST #3—KATY AND THE DINOSAURS

By Katherin Kersten

Swing Low, Sweet Oblivion: The Dinosaur’s Song

Neighbors in Zimmerman were left yesterday with the sad residue of the familiar suddenly unexplained. A husband -- perhaps ensnared in the same online “swingers club” that entangled his wife with another man -- killed them both and then himself. The pleasures they sought, now turned to tragedy. Hopeful lives, now and forever a source of lurid speculation.

Little boys love dinosaurs. This passion appears suddenly and embraces the benign Barney as well as the mincing velociraptor, but none excites adolescent passion like the Tyrannosaurus Rex!

Why this inexplicable delight? Feeling an emerging sense of power? Or simply savoring strings of alien syllables on still-forming tongues?  It is one of life’s deep mysteries.

Then, suddenly and inexplicably, like the extinction of these leviathans themselves, the fascination disappears. Girls, it seems, rarely fall prey to such “Jurassic Fantasy” in the first place, preferring instead more practical rehearsals of domestic life.

It’s not as if all boys put away all childish things as they move toward the solemn responsibilities of finding true love, marrying, and providing the financial and spiritual sustenance a family requires for childrearing. It’s just that their journey is longer, darker, and fraught with urges that are only dimly understood.

“Scholars have long debated why dinosaurs were put on this earth, only to be extinguished,” says Dr. Philip Ownius of the Christic Institute for Evolution Studies. “They pore over the ambiguities of a broken ‘fossil record’ and theorize about meteor impacts and ‘climate change,’ but deny the obvious: The Flood.”

Some “experts” will tell you The Flood is a myth and Noah was not an historical figure -- that he was simply conjured up to quell fears of ignorant primitives whose culture was “traumatized” by melting ice caps.

Dr. Ownius knows better. The Flood was an “act of a loving God,” and the dinosaurs’ extinction intended as a warning.

Because they had been placed on earth only to be extinguished, they had no imperative to reproduce. Eat, kill and make reptilian “love,” was God’s message, and forever be banished from paradise. A lesson, of course, that our liberal “professors” would not be caught dead professing.

Further, “Islamic teachings deny The Flood and evolution,” Ownius says. “Little boys in the Judeo-Christian tradition spontaneously gravitate to dinosaurs, while Islamist children do not. This correlates with our nation’s respect for marriage and love of freedom, while the Islamic world produces loveless multiple marriages and terrorists.”

It’s an intriguing premise. One sure to draw scoffing from those who will note our high divorce rate and “imperialism.”

So how do we explain the senseless murders?

In the right hands, the computer, like sex, can be a wonderful, intimate gift. But it also leads to one of the darkest basements of the soul, where gratification is variegated and swift, and triangles beckon like the sirens’ song. Come down, they sing, come down. No one will know.

And now, no one will ever know what sang in the killer’s heart. Or how Barney turned into Rex.