Chuck Klosterman has a good column in the latest Esquire (Tom Brady cover). It’s titled, “The Great American Stasis,” and the nut graph is this: “The mass media is the single most detrimental entity within the United States right now. It’s having the exact opposite effect of it’s theoretically intended one – it’s making people less informed and less complete.”

I know, I know. “What a downer.”

This was rattling around in my head as I sat down to a little live-on-tape blogging of the first night of the Democratic National Convention. With the big news networks farming most of the “action” (sic) out to their cable nets, I decided to check out reality for the few viewers still out there trying to exist without cable.

Limited to over-the-air signals from ABC, CBS, NBC, and PBS, the test was to see what the options were for “average Americans” from 6:45 to 8:45 p.m. Monday night. Primetime America.

“Less informed” my a**.   

6:44 p.m. A Seinfeld rerun is up on the NBC affiliate. It’s the episode where Kramer is in the AIDS walk but won’t wear a ribbon, and Elaine is vetting boyfriends to see which is “spongeworthy.” This episode has played more often than "The Star Spangled Banner” at the Metrodome. On CBS, Wheel of Fortune is live-on-tape-with-editing from Chicago. Vanna still looks twenty-eight in the long shots. On ABC, Entertainment Tonight’s Mary Hart is flashing both leg and teeth hyping a piece on Hollywood’s “summer romances.”

“Which romances are making the publicists sweat?” she asks. Uh, Mary? They only sweat if you don’t run this stuff. Apparently Jessica Simpson and Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo are still an item, and according to some young woman (Who is she? A clerk at Ralph’s?), Jessica gave Tony a lap dance for his birthday. I hope he calms down before he has to play the Patriots. Meanwhile, over on PBS, the only network covering the DNC, Jim Lehrer has David Brooks of The New York Times (with a superb tan) and rumpled, dumpy Mark Shields. Brooks is explaining that, “High school-educated people are Hillary people while college-educated people are Obama people.” So the big challenge, I guess, is to sell Obama to the crowd with 600 SATs.

6:46 Oops. Lehrer signs off. PBS cuts immediately to a Chevron ad for "green" deep drilling. (Note to self: Check the last time Lehrer did a show on offshore drilling.)

6:55 Mary Hart signs off. “Give us twenty-four hours,” she says, “and we’ll give you a whole new half-hour of dish.” Something hot and cheesy, I’m guessing. ABC cuts to an ad for Ford’s new overweight SUV, the Edge.

7:01 NBC primetime begins with Howie Mandel and Deal or No Deal. In a flash, the briefcase girls are strutting down the stairs in platinum wigs. Over on ABC, we have some reality show hosted by fallen mega-star (and previous recipient of Jessica Simpson lap dances) Nick Lachey. The test for his teenage contestants, “Can you make a good first impression?”

7:03 PBS: Mark Shields and Brooks are chatting agreeably. (“Who wants agreeable in politics?” you’re asking.) They cut to Judy Woodruff in headphones. “The crowd,” she says, “is waiting for the big attractions.” By this she means a Ken Burns film about Ted Kennedy. After that, says Woodruff, it’s all about telling the TV viewing audience who [Obama] is. She adds, “We’ve been here three hours, and there hasn’t been a lot of official business." Some of the delay is because, “[The Democrats] are waiting to tell the TV audience,” who, as far as I can tell, are watching Howie Mandel.

7:07 PBS is showing a film about Nancy Pelosi. Did they mention the winery she owns? I don't think so. Pelosi appears in a great-looking white suit—probably not off the rack from Marshalls. One line stands out: “Politics,” she says, “is a continuation of my role as Mom." Really? I’d like to see you spank Tom DeLay.

7:09 On ABC, Lachey’s contestants—oh wait, this is High School Musical: Summer Session—are dressing up as chickens, gorillas, and bananas. One squealing teenager is being advised to, “delve deeply into the consciousness of a banana.”

7:10 On NBC, there’s an ad for John McCain on Jay Leno. That McCain is one funny guy. Did you hear the one about his houses?

7:14 Back to PBS, where Pelosi is saying, “I’m very proud of the Democrats in Congress . . ." When I stop coughing, she still hasn’t offered an explanation for that FISA court bulls**t and telcom immunity.

7:15 On CBS, it’s some sitcom about four geeks. (Checking listings, checking listings, oh, The Big Bang Theory. Damn, am I glad I don’t have to watch this stuff anymore.) Raj, the brainy Indian guy wants the TV star Blossom to join their Physics team. This seems unlikely. But then Blossom hasn’t worked in years, right?

7:16 On NBC, Howie Mandel is caught doing a terrorist fist jab with a large lady contestant. (Programming note: Can’t get Fox at this location.)

7:17 Back to PBS and Pelosi. She’s trying to get the audience to play along. “We say John McCain has the experience of being . . . wrong.” The crowd finally gets hip. They’re supposed to chant, “ . . . and John McCain is wrong.” A little slow on the uptake, kids. Too long at happy hour in high altitude, I’m thinking. Pelosi reminds everyone that, “The war in Iraq was catastrophic mistake . . .” I don’t think anyone in the Pepsi Center thinks otherwise.

7:19 On ABC, it’s backstage at High School Musical for those “private” confessional moments we’ll only share with the whole country. “What I think makes me and Tierney’s relationship so special,” says one blond contestant, “it’s like whatever comes out of my mouth comes her of her mouth.” Eeeeeeew.

7:21 On NBC, the large woman has decided on something, and some other people leave the stage high-fiving the audience. I don’t understand this game. I think I hear her say, “That’s a lot to give up. I could have been thin.” What? Huh? Is this that fatty dieting show?

7:22 Back to PBS where David Brooks is panning Pelosi’s speech. “Pretty generic,” he’s calling it. That’s a nice way of saying her sing-songy speaking style takes thirty seconds to get really old. He asks again, “Can they describe who Barack Obama is?” Describe who he is for whom? The people who aren’t watching? Brooks does say that in a contest between “a generic Democrat and a generic Republican, the Democrats win this year.” Shields, looking more rumpled by the minute, notes that the Pepsi Center crowd, “seemed strangely subdued to me.” More like “comatose” to me. Down on the floor, Judy Woodruff has snagged a big “get,” an interview with the chair of Joe Biden’s Delaware delegation. Of  Biden, the guy says, “He was a comer then, and he’s a comer now.” Did I miss a Cialis commercial?

7:27 PBS stays tuned to a Jimmy Carter movie. It’ll need Jessica Simpson to open big in the Bible Belt.

7:28 On NBC, the large lady on Deal chooses “Number 1!!!!”. On ABC, Lachey is sitting on a desk in a classroom—High School Musical . . . get it? He’s telling the kids, “This is a huge point. Don’t forget your friends.” Some fanzine idol named “Zack” is telling them, “Nervous energy is the best energy.” “Zack’s advice was really great,” says another sunny blond. Apparently the guys don’t talk much.

7:30 How I Met Your Mother comes on ABC. Doogie Howser, who I figured for gay, is in bed with a good-looking brunett. It is post-facto, if you know what I mean.They’re agreeing never to speak of what just happened. He asks her if he can say, “Guess who just nailed the chick from Metro News 1?”

7:31 Getting woozy, I walk away to finish reading the morning NY Times. Hmmmm. This Swiss—CIA—Pakistani nuclear spy-game story is pretty damned good. Also, the Louisiana Delta is still disappearing. Remind me to tell the story of wandering into a bar in Delacroix that one time.

8:11 OK, enough of this news crap. Back to the tube. On PBS, Caroline Kennedy is warming up the crowd for her uncle. She’s a better speaker than Pelosi, but Pelosi is the better clothes horse. On CBS, Two and a Half Men is still on the air. This show is a hit? Jon Cryer is telling a blond (a lot of blonds on primetime TV), “I have no romantic feelings for you at all.” Another blond appears at door. The first blonde, weeping, tells him, “I thought I could spice up our relationship with a three-way.” Cryer starts back-filling. What happened to the Parents Television Council? On ABC, it’s another sitcom. A blond in an expensive fur is telling the doorman, “I’m not a virgin any more.” Obviously I missed something. Back over to PBS. It’s the Ken Burns film on Ted Kennedy. Nice sailing shots. But isn’t sailing “elitist?” Maybe next time, twin 300 horse Mercury inboard-outboards.

8:27  Ted appears on PBS. Lots of “Kennedy” placards. If you dial out the color it could be 1960 all over again. The old guy sounds pretty strong. The phrase, “Barack Obama -- President of the United States” will be shouted no less than 3000 times this week. Joe Biden is caught on camera applauding Ted’s promise to be there on the Senate floor next January. Ted hammers “Health care. A fundamental right. Not a privilege.” Pretty much like he has for 40 years.

8:31 Ted: “This Novem-bah the torch will be passed . . ." Man, does that take me back. Who else remembers Vaughn Meader? It’s a short speech. Maria Shriver is in tears.

8:32  On NBC, Deal has given way to Toughest Jobs, or something. The crew is out on a crab boat off Alaska. A woman—can’t tell if she’s blond—is saying, “I’m bruised, and I’m battered . . ." On CBS,  three women, two of them blond, are dishing with Julia Louis-Dreyfus on The New Adventures of Old Christine. On ABC, it’s another sitcom, a mom and dad are telling their (blond) daughter, “If you like this boy enough to stalk him . . . ”

8:34 On PBS, Mark Shields is saying of Ted Kennedy, “After 1980, he devoted his energies to becoming the greatest senator of the century.” He says Kennedy has, “Personal skills unmatched in the Senate.” To which David Brooks says, Kennedy “has a staff unmatched by anyone else in the Senate.” Shields remarks as how unlike Kennedy, “old line Southern Democrats knew they’d never have a chance to run for president, so they became legislators.”

8:37 NBC is running an ad for Death Race. On CBS, Christine (Louis-Dreyfus) is telling Wanda Sykes “OK, tell him I’ll go out with him. But tell him I don’t put out.” ABC is running an ad for Grand Casino.

8:40 PBS’s Judy Woodruff is interviewing two women from the Massachusetts delegation . . . Molly O’Brien and Mary O’Grady. Hello, Central Casting.

8:41 Margaret Warner on PBS is asking presidential historian Michael Beschloss whether “Ted Kennedy helps Democrats transcend liberalism.” At least that’s what I think I heard. Beschloss tells Warner (and these two might embody every joke anyone has ever made about eat-your-broccoli PBS), “The Democratic party today is a Ted Kennedy party.” He says Kennedy is “as close to the DNA of the party as any other figure,” including Obama. He also calls Kennedy, “One of top five senators in U.S. history.” I guess that bumps Rick Santorum off the list.

8:45 On NBC, the woman is breaking down on the crab boat. CBS’s Christine is telling hunky Blair Underwood, “I think my (date) has diarrhea.” Good to know. On ABC, it’s an ad for Wendy’s monster “Baconator”. Two slabs of hamburger, plus cheese topped with six strips of bacon.

8:46 No mas. Let’s see who Kerri Miller digs up for her 9 a.m. radio show.